House (1977)

Real time comments documented by my wife whilst watching the film.

Also, how many times do you think I said what the fuck? Mini guessing game (answers at z’bottom)

What’s with the music?

What the fuck

Why did a gun shot go off when she slammed the door?

That spinning chair sound is amazing

*happily sings with the background music*

Why does it keep cutting away?

Is she that bad of an actress that they have to cut away when she starts a line

What the fuck

What is this film?

*happily sings again with the music*

Laura - why does this music sound like their going to button moon? ... the bird sounds in the back make me feel like I’m about to watch birdemic

What the fuck

Why is a baby crying when there’s no baby in the scene?

Shoes maker hahaha

At least they found the cat

What the fuck is this

That’s where they filmed takeshi's castle (girls walk across bridge)

As if they couldn’t see that...it’s right in front of them

That watermelon man is literally the best person in the film

Bird fly’s past ... ITS BIRDEMIC AGAIN

Why are they cutting to her face? She’s right there? What’s the point in that?

What the fuck

I’ve never seen someone so excited to see a light turn on

What the fuck

What’s going on?

There’s some fucking cobwebs in there, for fucks sake lady get a cleaner...buy a bungalow your in a wheelchair, how do you get upstairs?

That is the least scariest skeleton I’ve ever seen

Why did they do that bit in slow motion?

*happily sings with the background music*

Oh shut up Mac, all you want to do is eat

Yayyy lesbian party

We can do lots of scissoring

It’s like someone just threw the cat over

Have they got fucking Big Ben in that house or something? For fucks sake

What theee

Tasty? You going to eat her pussy out now?

I don’t think she’s joking, not with them eyes

I think macs having a stroke

Macs into eating ass

Oh look it’s the human centipede now

What the fuckkk

What the fuck

What the fuck, buy a fucking broom

Oh look ribena

*sings with the background music*

What the fuck

(Girl stands up from bath) Oh come on she’s like 16 or something

What the fuck

This is a ridiculous film

So you get attacked by logs and you say maybe it’s an illusion

Whatt the fuck

What the fuck

What the fuck is with that cat?

Ahh man, this is the most ridiculous film I’ve seen

Surely by now someone would of phoned the police about Mac, it’s been a whole day instead they’ll like lalalala

What’s with the cat sounds man, it’s in every scene?

The door opened by itself and your not going to question it? And it shut by itself, course, of course it did

What the fuck is that?

Laura (start of piano playing) ... when I was a young boy...my father....

What the fuck is the skeleton doing in the background?

What the fuuuck

I wonder how long that’s been sat in the draw? How much bacteria is on it...she probably got syphilis now

What the fuck

Whattt the fuck, is she on fire or something?

Ah man, the effects people got so carried away with this

Fucking clutz

Ohhhh, she’s getting attacked by the deadly soft things in the room...pillow fight to death

I’m sure they did this so they can look up a 14 year olds skirt

*music changes* it’s getting to the porno part of the film

*girl sniffs undies* uuurrrr god

What’s with the cat character picture that keeps showing up? It’s shit

Do they run out of film so they have to cut the frame rate?

What the fuck

What the fuckkk

Stop playing this fucking song!!!

Where the fucks she gone now?

*sings with the music*

Hahahaha that light made the same noise as those boingy things in Mario

‘Don’t touch my bum’ yeah because she got a rim job from a decapitated head

Stop playing the same song man

Finally a bit of jazz

Oh dear she lost her fingers

Oh no she’s being eaten by a piano

What the fuck is that

What the fuck

Stop playing that fucking song

What the fuck

Why is there a bear serving noodles?

*sings with the music*

What the fuck

Oh we’ve gone into blues now

This is just an excuse to show teenage girls naked

This film is bat shit crazy

Laura ** who is this? The Japanese Beatles?

What the fuck is this?

That fucking cats back again

In conclusion to my review, the film had a plot, but the director lost the plot whilst making the film. The special effects guys got completely carried away, It’s like a bunch of kids just found Microsoft movie maker and decided to make a film with it. Also considering these were school girls in the film, I’m not sure how I felt about seeing their naked boobies....not like the actresses were teenage girls, at least I really hope not.

I’m not sure what else to say, other than what the fuck did I just watch? I mean I did laugh quite a fair bit, but that was for all the wrong reasons.

Would I watch it again? Erm, only if I wasn’t in sober mind.

Would I recommend this movie? Well, that really depends on who the person is, but I would recommend as a group interaction, possibly with drugs, lots and lots of drugs.

Would I class this as a horror? It attempts to be, but for me it’s a comedy/surrealist film.

I’m going to rate this from sober perspective

And what I may rate high as a kite

Sober: 1 green eyed evil cat out of 5

High: 9 decapitated rim jobs out of 5, highly recommend.

Mini guessing game answer - 26 but 1 bonus what the fuck in the conclusion.