Drunken Master - with many spoilers

Drunken Master is a slapstick Kung Fu action flick straight out of China. It is renowned for spring-boarding Jackie Chan drunkenly to stardom, despite him nearly losing an eye in the final fight scene.

Siu Tin Yuen, the actor who plays the drunken master is actually the director; Woo-Ping Yuen’s father. Woo and his brother often replaced their 66 year old father in the more athletic scenes.

Verdict

My movie ratings consist of thumbs up or middle fingers as sometimes one starring something doesn’t shame it enough. 5 thumbs up = an absolute triumph. 5 middle fingers = a complete piece of shit, go fuck yourself.

Drunken Master - 2 thumbs up

Definitely not the worst thing that China has released.

Favourite quote “Say your prayers fast, ‘cause you’re about to feel my iron head!.” - Iron headed man threatening Freddie.

Other dubbed nonsense: “Kissing is for children, I bet I could get that broad to hug me” - Freddie is a lady’s man. And apparently a 1920’s American gangster.

“He’ll give you 500 dollars to kill me?! I’ll give you twice as much to kill him!” - Our introduction to 'Thunderleg' at the beginning of the movie.

Favourite scene

Freddie practising the fighting techniques of the 8 drunken Gods. The mere fact that there were 8 drunken Gods with such varied fighting techniques as 'fighting with pot' and 'cripple with a strong right leg' was enough to win me over. The added bonus of seeing Jackie Chan prancing about camply trying to imitate the final drunken bimbo God sealed the deal.

The most horrible scene in the movie is that of Freddie being anally penetrated by a wooden spike he was forced to squat over for hours on end whilst balancing boiling cups of water on his thighs and shoulders. He didn’t need a new Kung Fu teacher. He needed counselling. And maybe a colostomy bag.

Best meme from the movie

Analysis

This film owes everything to its hilariously poor dubbing and I feel that English speaking audiences may have witnessed an entirely different film to the people watching in China. Interestingly, not all of the characters had the same accent as each other and it really was a lottery seeing what voices would be played over the actors. At one point I'm pretty sure a Northern bloke from England was shouting at and American person impersonating a Chinese accent. Later, a child of less that ten years old bellows in the deepest voice heard in the entire film. For a few early scenes the plot seemed well and truelly lost as I'm certain one voice actor read the lines of every character in a scene. Then another actor for the next scene. Perhaps it was cheaper this way?

Slapstick translates into any language so not much was lost in that respect. Lots of people were bopped on the head or defeated by silly Kung Fu. The director also derived great comedy from hair. Every opponent Freddie faces has some ridiculous hair situation going on. The type of hair to arouse a 2020's Zac Efron's interest. The teacher with the awful mole hair, Iron Head with his massive eyebrows, even the drunken master himself has some sort of horrendous wig on... I hope.

Yuen Siu-tien's character of the drunken master behaves like a disgraceful adult version of Popeye the sailor man. If Popeye was horribly addicted to spinach and suffered from withdrawal symptoms. He finds his strength and defining style through looking so wasted that he is often undervalued as an opponent, and he manages to look this way by getting right into character and genuinely being that wasted. Why on earth you would send your delinquent son off to become a functioning alcoholic with a bum for a year is well beyond my comprehension, but at least it beats a second anal impalement.

Every interaction with a foe seems to go the same way "Hello I am [Thunderleg/Iron Head/Brass Balls]! You must have heard of me?!". How are all of these crazed Kung Fu masters networking so well? How have they all heard of each other? and how do they know they're not confusing each other for all of the other Thunderlegs and Iron Heads out there? This interaction is nearly always followed by a fight to the death. I'm surprised there is anyone left in China. Jackie Chan and his fearless teacher tend to see of the baddies; proving once and for all, that Jackie Chan is the most fatal thing to have ever come out of China.

The Bottom Line

This film is definitely best enjoyed inebriated and in company. There is no doubt I would have scored the film higher (HI-YA!) if I had watched it this way and laughed at it among friends. Instead I watched it alone, sniggering at it and wincing at the thought of anything entering my ass. A smash hit for a movie night.