Tampopo review

So from what I could tell, this film is basically a Japanese erotic ramen-based western.

This film is all the proof you ever need that food and sex shouldn’t go together. Probably the most memorable scene is the one with the egg yolk, where two lovers pass a yolk back and fourth for a disturbingly long time. Eventually the woman loses as the yolk bursts in her mouth and dribbles out. I dread to think what her forfeit is, but judging by this pair it probably involves the anal insertion of the business end of a butternut squash... that or diet coke and mentos up the vag.

And let’s not forget the scene where this same trilby wearing man cuts his lip on some on a shell, so slurps a shellfish from the hand of some Japanese jailbait instead, before she licks the blood off his lips as her fellow fisherwomen stare at the sordid spectacle.

The standout scene for me was where a random old lady enters a shop and starts feverishly fondling and finger-blasting foodstuffs like there’s no tomorrow. I can’t say that I will ever look at a Camembert the same way again. Far be it from me to kink-shame someone, but I would have thought that this kind of behaviour should be restricted to the home, especially in a conservative culture like Japan. But I suppose that must take the fun out of it for a decrepit debauchee such as herself. Like most of the scenes in this film, there is no explanation for this. But it does make for an unusual and amusing film.

I think the main morals of this film are that the best way to make friends is to get into a punch-up with someone; and if a parent dies after cooking a meal for you, you must finish it before any mourning can take place. Or maybe something just got lost in translation and I’ve completely misunderstood it.

4 slimy yolks out of 5