Twister - the movie that got my knickers

This movie isn't about tornados wreaking havoc on carnivorous storm chasers.its about Bill's inability to commit to woman who's suffered a major trauma i.e. losing her dad to a tornado. Shooter McGavin (Bill Paxton) couldn't hack it as a pro' golfer so now he's settled for becoming a weatherman...or so you think!

A converted Brewery tankard acts as the key plot driver. It's dubbed Dorothy, a visual trope referencing the tornado that transports Dorothy to the land of Oz. It's supposed to help build a detailed, digital model of a tornado by using advanced poké balls acting as sensors being sucked up into the, "Suck zone" and so transmitting the vital data back to an onboard computer residing in a tech's pedo van.

Let's have a look at some.of the zany characters.

Daniel Farraday from 'Lost' somehow travelled through dimensions and ended up in this movie. I say this because it's exactly the same character. There is no difference at all. Even his attire is the same. Only reasonable explanation: interdimensional time travel. Eric Clapton also makes an appearance as Martin Mull? played by the seemingly unnamed bearded, spectacled member of the 'good guys' chase team. Seriously, I couldn't figure out after a lot of Googling who that guy is. It's like he never existed. Never caught his name in the movie either.

The jaunty music felt like we were watching a great Western adventure to begin with. It didn't make any sense whatsoever. And as the movie progressed through an increasingly nonsensical narrative so did the music in its inappropriateness.

Bill Paxton's character is called Bill because for him the lines of both realities - real life and movies - are blurred. Dude takes his work seriously. He becomes Bill. But which Bill? Who's to say. One thing we do know is that either Bills are awful drivers. That and they're utter players. Bringing your fiancé to witness your former lover sign divorce papers are we Bill? What are you playing at? They also have a short temper: basically an all round dick. Basically, Shooter McGavin.

Lacerda from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is their key rival. He ripped off their design for the converted distillery tankard; apparently as far as the weather systems are concerned, Lacerda needs, "Total Coverage", and is willing to plagiarise his way to the finishing line if needs must.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman, in a daring move, plays himself. If ever anyone wanted a keen insight into a celebrity's mindset, this would be it. Fairly certain he was on acid for the entire production. Not to mention if felt like being 'Back in 'Nam' whenever he was on screen.

Jo, Bill and his fiancé (I'm not mentioning her name because the filmmakers made sure she bored you in every scene) seem fairly unperturbed by a flying cow. The graphics have definitely not aged well considering they were, at the time, "State of the art". The Matrix's special effects were viewed only 3 years later. They still look good. Just saying.

Best quotes: "Cow..." And, "Sonovabitch"

Animals lives matter. Right at the beginning, Jo's father and the family dog both have delayed reactions to the chaos ensuing outside. The chickens seemed nonplussed. They save the dog but I can't say much for the chicks. As mentioned before, the bovine acrobatics barely elicited a reaction. No one even cared about Meg's dog after the Twister hit, although Meg does ask Bill to check on the pup after being obstinate on a gurney. The fact Meg slaughtered all her cows so they could eat steak is met with merriment. How many, we're not sure. Like all massacres, the numbers are arbitrary. What we do know is that these people couldn't care less. It's 'Nam all over again.

More about Jo's aunt. Meg is possibly the worst fucking cook in the world. She added eggs to a pan with a completely raw steak still moo'ing in it. If you could stand her cooking you still wouldn't want to live next to her what with all the awful art installations in her front yard jangling away noisily all hours of the day and night. The bint.

The drive-in movie screen being shredded and broken as 'Johnny' axes the door in The Shining was visually arresting, for a second.

As Bill and Jo make their way along the road with the F5 towards the end of the flick, it turned into a game of Whacky Racers as the Twister dumped tractors, combine harvesters, a house and even a live chicken in their path. Funny how it didn't throw shit anywhere else other than the highway. Just saying. Also, what is more unbelievable is the fact both Bill and Jo managed to hang on inside the belly of the beast - an F5 tornado - by merely strapping into a make-shift sex swing using leather saddle straps. The horses on that farm managed to escape with their lives. I guess they had to cap the number of animal deaths. Either that or horses were too majestic to kill in the 90's.

For a film that was the second highest grossing at the box office in 1996 I have to say it hasn't 'earned' my fullest respect. Mark Mancina's scoring of the film was fucking terrible. Dude was clearly stuck in the 80's with meandering, glam rock guitar solos and with the bulk of the composition in complete antithesis to the movie's genre and nuances. Dick. The acting was so-so. The script was, meh. The special effects? Well you know how I feel about them already. This film had real potential. I loved it as a kid but now that I'm slightly older, wiser and a tad saner, I would not recommend this to anybody unless they want to spend a night hating themselves over a bowl of melted ice-cream, broken dreams and a back catalogue of Eddie Van Halen's worst years.

1.5 dead chickens out of 5