Crust

Um where do I begin?

Ah yes. Welcome to the midlands where you can find such local colloquialisms as:

“Shafting alsasion’s”

Ruffles women’s hair, “what the fuck do you think you’re doing Twat”

“Just checking what you’re gonna look like in the morning”

“It’s the red rum of sea life you fucking tosser”

“Shit! we’ed better get back sharpish, shrimp hasn’t eaten since 3”

“So a pot of ice cream is now somehow sexier than a block?”

“Start the fuckin car shaz”. “I can’t I’ve only had 3 lessons”

“Stop fucking hugging it’s disgusting, I’ve got to sleep on this bed”

Ah yes home!

Bill is a ex boxer turned bar tender who takes a punt on a 7ft lobster and decides to train it to box. Yes you heard right!

The beginning of the the movie introduces us to Bill being miserable as a bar tender and Steve his boxing prodigy failing to satisfy his girlfriend Sharon in the sack. Then after Bill acquires his 7ft lobster they go on a road trip to London in a transit van. They soon realise that the lobster needs feeding and moisturising so they spend most of there money on this. Things get so desperate that Bill and Steve rob a fish monger with butter knifes and take all the free samples of moisturiser they can get there hands on! Meanwhile Sharon is chasing her dream of doing something in media and moves hotel rooms, paid for by a tv executive that they tried selling the boxing crustacean idea to.

Bill and Steve end up sleeping in a bed with the lobster and Sharon sleeps with tv guy Clive and a pot, yes a pot not a block of ice cream!

Sharon gets a job at the tv station and gets Urika Johnson’s address for Bill and Steve! She ends up passing out in her hallway after seeing the lobster! Steve ends up frenching her while trying to perform CPR.

After many failed attempts and Clive dumping Sharon. They end up putting on a live event and getting a tv contract.

The new tv guy gets them a pilot episode of an underwater themed gladiators style show. But bill starts developing feelings for the lobster and notices that he wants to go back to the sea. So during the crappy tv pilot he decided to free his causation friend and all hell breaks loose. Steve who is dressed up and given the nick name tadpole helps. After one of the worst and funniest monologues I’ve ever witnessed bill and the lobster hug/hump.

Bill opens up a bar abroad and finds a woman who is also interested in urine on food too! They all live happily ever after.

The film is interspersed with 80s ska classics thought out. Although they don’t really suit what’s going on in the film it adds to that brummie vibe.

I found this movie right up my street I love a good trashy film that makes little to no sense. The awful looking lobster really added to the tackiness. Let’s face it there will never be any Oscars handed out for this film but it unique in its own way and fucking hilarious. If you enjoyed this film you should check out other trashy films like the Gingerdead man, The Velocipastor, Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead and of course, Killer sofa

5 free samples of Nivia moisturiser out of 5

Ta for listening