Crust - and no, this is not about bread.

Like many of us now, I honestly had no idea what to expect from a giant boxing shrimp film. I thought it would be tacky, cheaply made and awfully paced. It turned out to be the complete opposite. However, it took a while for me to be fully convinced.

In the opening scenes we are typically and gradually introduced to the cast by way of a montage. 'Condomania' stuck out for me, what with Steve (an up and coming amateur boxer) and his colleagues hammer throwing water-filled condoms. Steve landed one square on the chest of his employer. At this point I was worried the whole film was only going to be a series of slapstick moments peppered with a bizarre narrative. I was wrong. That and the slapstick was brilliant along with a rather marvellous script. When Bill (a jaded former local boxing champ and now pun owner) gets kicked in the head for wearing a shirt made from the material they insulate space crafts with I couldn't help but giggle. This was also the moment Bill decides to act on his industrious friend's (Hamid Choudhury) idea of investing in a 7ft long giant boxing shrimp. Tbh I thought the introductory VHS was convincing enough. And so Bill, Steve and his ill-suited missus Shaz head off to London to find a lucrative TV Show deal starring the pugilistic crustacean from the deep.

There were so many great scenes but too many to mention them all here.

The frustrations of copulation between Shaz and Steve were highly relatable. Probably too relatable. Although I don't think I've ever seen a brick of ice-cream before used in foreplay. And when Steve's mate tries to give him a hand escaping the arena in which the Shrimp was running ruin, only to fall back into the arena with said hand.

"Captain cop-off" is Bill's self professed appellation. He knows best when advising Steve on why he shouldn't have a girlfriend, describing Shaz as a 12 year old, "millstone in makeup". You can't get more Midlands than that. Of course we later discover that Bill is only so bitter because, as he admits, he needs a girlfriend too. He even offers an olive branch to Shaz by gently imploring her not to give up trying to find the "right one" in a touching moment outside their respective hotel rooms. There were several more gems in the script. Wise words such as, "You can't go around kicking the arse of a national icon for too long before someone starts screaming", admonished by Choudhury on why employing a kangaroo as a boxing champ isn't ideal in the long run.

Captain Cop-off also likes dispensing wisdom about piss-encrusted bar snacks, at any given opportunity.

When Ulrika Johnson is shocked by the Shrimp at her doorstep she faints. Out cold on the floor, Steve notes, "She's had her hair cut" before attempting to French her back awake.

And finally, the tender moment shared between a stranger teaching Steve how to finger a lass, laying upon a bed of condoms. "Go on my son!"

And finally, finally, Hamid knows for sure Bill was fucking the shrimp. And he let it happen.

The characters Steve and Bill so closely resembled Rodney and Delboy respectively that it felt at times I was watching a version of Only Fools on an inter-dimensional cable box like that featured in Rick in Morty. That perhaps explains why it cannot be found anywhere by any means unless someone with the technology (Liam) has it in their possession already. The wit, acting and zany plotline as well the score - which btw was a fuck side better than that of Twister's - was all beautifully woven into one of the most bizarre viewing pleasures I've ever experienced in my life. Even if we didn't see an awful lot of the crustacean actually boxing, the Great White getting sucker-punched by it at the close was a fantastically abrupt ending.

5 gallons of moisturising cream sachets out of 5