Cry Baby, not a dry eye in sight, except my own.

In what is now most likely going to be the format with which I formulate my reviews, I have written mine as a series of bullet points, each one composed along with the viewing of the film.

* A lot of sideways glancing. * Tail gating and dangerous driving is no joke. * I find the Drapes and Squares equally horrifying to look at. * "Juvenile delinquents...who spit on the sidewalks!" Favourite quote so far. I imagine a few choice friends flobbing up Solihull high street. * "Beauty. Brains. Breathing. Bounty" No sermon on the mount but close enough. * Love the homophobic Christian salespersons peddling their wares. All the parents seem to have a neat little role in stark contrast to their offspring. * Lenore is a horny lass, somewhat obsessed with Cry Baby. She needs to pop a valium and reassess her options. * That Southern State (Federate) Flag at the picnic provides a worrisome backdrop to the whole scene. Depp is smouldering in this flick. * White people performing doo-wop felt wrong, like milk in a bag or cutting your toe nails with a pair of scissors you used as a child in infant school. * Iggy Pop genuinely creeps me out. * White trash Vs White Privilege. It's a twisted parody of how America moulded itself during postmodernism. * Struggling to see how Ricki Lake made the leap from fucked-up musical to talkshow host. Johnny Depp is an enigma so he can take as many cinematic quantum leaps as he likes. * Why does Cry Baby keep crying? Like, "Come hither, I can cry on command". "Wow, yes, I'm so hot for you right now". I assume this entire movie is tongue-in-cheek but I dunno, the single tear gag is irritating me. * Allison is on the fence when she first meets the Cry Baby girls and she should be. * "You got it Allison. You got it raw!" Second favourite quote. * This movie is like Rocky Horror meets Grease meets Elvis on meth. Pretty sure Iggy was on meth during the entire production. Probably still is. * Nothing quite like a post gig orgy on the common. Everyone kisses like pornstars. * Is it a tale of two orphans finding each other in a world of adversity? Smacks of a cheap Romeo and Juliet or a bad reenactment of the Bluds Vs Cribs street-like soirees. * The Alphabet Bomber bit got me giggling something fierce. They fried his illiterate mother? Fucking hell. * Tbf the Squares started the riot. * Bit of a bombshell: Cry Baby is Lenorna's baby daddy. So I guess we'll just gloss over that, said the producers. * Why were all the black people fenced off on a truck?! * Judge is a creep. * Willem Defoe saved the movie until Depp started singing in prison. What was Allison drinking in bed? A jar of tea? I'm British and even I think that's taking the piss. * I would have loved it if when Cry Baby crumples down on the workshop floor in a paroxysm of rage upon hearing the damning estimations conveyed over the radio by his nemesis and former lover he broke out into some heavy grind core screaming and intonations. Then, suddenly, Raining Blood by Slayer plays over the prison speakers. * Inga is the best. Oh jä. Wonda's Mom is a milf. * Hatchet face was definitely going to sodomise that hapless dairy cow outside the prison. Kinky. * I forgot how much I love song Mr. Sandman. * Oh wait, Lenore is a "tramp" and faked having a baby! What a psycho. I feel like I should have seen that coming. Ah well. * Lol he's still crying in spite of the tattooed tear. What a tool. * The songs are kinda wank. Is that intentional? Are they trying too hard? * There was no need for the all the chair kicking. The Nan is down for some brown sugar. She's come a long way in just over an hour. No wait, she wants the old white Judge. Oh deary me. * Hah, the judge pondering the legality of the street game, chicken. * Ricki Lake just gave birth to the driest newborn I've ever seen. * Everyone sheds tears at the end. I would too if only I felt anything other than bemusement towards the entire experience.

All in all it was OK. Not the worst movie I've ever seen but then neither really that great either. I'm giving it a 2.5/5. I felt it tried too hard. The songs were too bad to be bad-funny. It was a bit to tongue-in-cheek. I felt the writing weaken towards the end which might explain the swaith of shit songs forcing the logical closure point upon us all. The Nan didn't deserve the barn treatment with the chickens but then she did sell out to the creepy judge. Swings and roundabouts. I'm just glad they never made a sequel.