The Big Blue a.k.a. yaaaaaaawn

What can I say folks, I apologise for having you all watch this. Having said that, it wasn't all bad. Just 99% of it. Everyone likes dolphins? Right? Right. And the sea, yes? The sea is a lovely place. So full of mystery and wonder. And everyone has a friend who can hold their breath the longest. Impressive, no? Of course it is. It's no surprise that a movie was made about all such things. No surprise at all.

It starts with synths, a sexy sax, a stringy bass line and sampled dolphin/whale calls. Awesome. Not to mention the half an hour of exposition in which convincing Europeans witness the death of a father wearing a bucket as part of his diving gear. I'm sure it was authentic. Then we were treated to another half an hour of exposition punctuated with various sea-like montages via wishy-washy introductions to the rest of the cast that matter. The deaf uncle who loves Wagner's Ring trilogy comes later. it's doesn't matter. Terrific.

We meet Johanna who is a typical 80's lady: baby hungry, easily romanticizes European men obsessed with fucking dolphins in the broadest possible sense and who couldn't bullshit her way out of a paper bag. She had no chance in this movie like most female actors up until rather recently.

Jacques. Jacques, Jacques, Jacques. He fucks dolphins. Faced with a real world issue? Stoic silence. Dives away from his problems. Brave you say? For diving such depths? Coward. He did suffer a tragedy. No doubt. But saying you love someone after an intimate coiling only to then spend all night with a dolphin is bit...red flaggy? Johanna did go back to NY once, to her well paid job, with the most incompetent boss imaginable. But then kept pining about fish boy. So naturally, escaping a fraud conviction, pissed off back to Peru for an overstayed gap year.

Is this review feeling long-winded? Welcome to The Big Blue.

The best character of all was played by Reno, the other half of a friendly rivalry, Enzo. The Italian Stallion with an overbearing mother - who obviously can't tolerate restaurant pasta - and an endearingly loyal brother who handles all the fiddly bits.

In short, Enzo has to coax Jacques into a 'healthy' competition to dive the deepest. Jacques eventually beats him and Enzo kills himself trying to match the literally impossible depth of 400ft. Jacques, not wanting to be a father, swims away with a dolphin that's wearing a wig in order to look like a mermaid, and disappears into the end credits. Who doesn't like cosplay to kink things up a bit? But more importantly does Jacques die? Who gives a shit.

Best scenes:

* The uncle shaking a $2 red snapper in a fishmonger's face claiming it had cancer.

* In the opening scenes, that priest effectively groomed Jacques. "Keep the money boy. Now you owe me".

* The drunken driving bell scene , obvs.

* The dream sequence in which Jacques imagines the sea 'rising' from his ceiling. That was pretty cool.

* When Enzo died and requested to be taken back down to the dark depths. It was the only bit of convincing acting by the lead, Jean whatever. Forgive me for not looking up their names properly, I simply lost the will.

This brings me to my favourite quote:

Jacques: "The hardest thing is hitting the bottom"

Johanna: "Why?"

Jacques: "Because you have to find a good reason to come back. And I have a hard time finding one."

Well Jacques, I had a hard time finding a reason not to turn off this movie not even halfway through. You ungrateful bitch.

Again, sorry folks.

1 cancerous red snapper out of 5